United Nations of Maga: Jos Girl & Philemon

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Holiday is coming, holiday is coming, no more teachers cane, no more morning bells; good bye teachers, good bye scholars we are going on a jolly holiday, a jolly holiday. Lolll I know I must have butchered this song but then who remembers every rhyme from primary school days? I have gray hairs now abeg.

This is absolutely my favorite season of the year (minus the cold weather). For some reason I always expect it to be magical and it has never been except for them Christmas lights that be blinking pau-pau in my eyes sha. That’s the closest it’s ever been for me but I continue to be optimistic.

So for my loving faithful readers who have asked for a continuation of Jos girl and Philemon, Here we go:

My dear friend Golus (another nickname) was getting married and yours truly was expecting a baby; some how I ended up not having anything to wear and nothing I had that could accommodate my bump was stylish enough except for one white dress that I had. I wasn’t so sure it was appropriate to wear white to a wedding but this was a chiffon hi-low dress that didn’t “speak” wedding to me so I decided to take the risk and wear it. I accessorized with green shoes\purse\jewelry. My hair was looking good and yours truly was FLY! Until I got to the venue, parked my car and was trying to cross the street. That’s how one nonsense okada man drove past me shouting at the top of his concoction lungs “na you dey marry, why you wear white”. Chineke!!  Me I instantly did the “your fada” sign at him. Can you imagine! This boy had the audacity to rubbish me in public like that and couldn’t even do it quietly. Rubbish, nonsense & ingredient! Ewu goat! Mchewww.

Anyhoos, I was enjoying the beautiful wedding when My Jollof sent me a text
“Sav, guess who’s in my house?”
Me: Who? 
I was like OMG, where has she been? Meanwhile the three of us were posted to teach in Port Harcourt o but Jos Girl & her hustle decided she needed to be in Abuja where it was “happening”. So I was surprised to hear she was in town, nonetheless I was excited because hanging out with Jollof & Jos Girl meant correct gisting.

I decided to stop by Jollof’s house in GRA so I could see Jos Girl.  We were all very excited to see each other and after all the ooing and ahhing over my bump and just showering my unborn child with loads of love, we sat down on Jollof’s bed.
Me being me, I jumped straight to the point. Jos Girl, how far now with Abuja now? Did you get a really good job or contract? Of course to me I think having a job or running a business is the way normal girls do things after college but Jos Girl looked at me like I was speaking Hindu. She was like abeg Sav when will you grow up and stop being so na├»ve ehn? Work is for small small girls in Abuja o, the big girls don’t work. They all have one maga or another to take care of them.

Now, those who know me well know my eyes can do a whole lot of talking that my mouth refuses to do. I was therefore speaking volumes with my eyes. I said to Jos Girl: but babes, you already have a Sugar Boy/man (what do you call a 30's married man?) now ehn, how many magas can one girl have? You already have one (Philemon) here in Port Harcourt and now you are talking about Abuja. If you are not careful you will become United Nations of Maga o.

Jos Girl: ahnn Philemon sha. Hissssssss, abeg Philemon is small fish. All those small small N20k change that he gives me is nothing. I need a man that will be able to pay all of my siblings tuition, help me get a place to live and also set me up in a business. The problem now is I can’t shake Philemon off me. He calls night & day crying that he misses me, he needs me, he will do anything, I should take him back. I’ve told him severally that this thing between us is over, and thank you to him for his help over the years but It’s so annoying because it’s getting worse. In fact, the other weekend ehn he showed up in Jos looking for me and my sister told him I was in Abuja. He came to Abuja to look for me but after searching for 3 days with no luck he returned to Port Harcourt.

At this point my mouth is open in awe of this never-ending drama. My mind automatically goes to her baba & the fried meat, so I had to ask if the fried meat has an expiration date.
Jos Girl looks at me solemnly and says : errm NO”. I was ahhhhhh Oluwa mi oo. Omo yi ti rogo (My God ooo, this girl is in trouble).
Jos girl, how can you use something that has no expiration? Didn’t you check with the baba when he gave it to you? So for how long will Philemon the love sick puppy continue to cry over you? Chei this thing is painful o. Very painful. Poor Philemon and double poor Philemon’s wife.  She probably had to start running from church to church, fasting & praying till she became bonga fish, all because her husband got maga-ed. Jisos…. We women can suffer sha.

That was the last time (6 years ago) I saw Jos Girl- I’ve actually been looking everywhere for her. Jollof has also not seen her since that weekend either, so I don’t know what eventually happened to Philemon, and if Jos Girl got a maga of her dreams. Abi now….

The hustle for a good life is REAL. All I can say is that men please be careful. All those glittering girls before you, juggling things and rolling waists, are NOT gold.
Do not get yourself inducted in the United Nations of Maga, bikonu.

Love is a beautiful thing.