Trying to get my beach on in Lasgidi

2:21 AM 3 Comments A+ a-

Hey Lovies,

Wassup, whats shaking, whats popping? How's the Christmas holiday going? I am in Nigeria....whoop whoop. Shuttling between Lasgidi and my home town - Ondo Town. It's been so much fun hanging out with family, seeing friends etc. Before i continue this story, please join me as i pray. This prayer is absolutely necessary because i have picked up my iPad at least 5 times during this trip to write down what I want to talk to you people about, but there are some very evil things like sleep, errands, television, enjoyment, asun, gist, etc that keep interrupting me and this thing is no longer funny. I need to sprinkle some anointing oil on myself, my iPad, my surroundings and decree HOLY GHOSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I BIND & PROSECUTE ALL INTEREFRING AGENTS AGAINST THE PROGRESS OF MY GIST IN JESUS NAME!! OGUN ORUN ooo..... DESTRYOY THEM! PARALYSE THEM (minus my iPad oooo abeg o.. Biko) In Jesus Name Amen. Now let me see who will stop the flow of this writing.

Wait oo, be right back, they have brought my banger and bisco......hehehehe.....time to throw banger into people's shirt/blouse.

Lollll okay i'm back again with all vigour.
So in Lagos my sister wanted us to go to the beach. We had not been for a very very long time in Lagos. The last time we did it was to the original Bar beach so apparently our Lagos Beach knowledge was a little outdated. Actually more like ancient sef. Since we were like Elizabethan era type people per the beach we decided to ask a few people who reside in Lagos, mostly Google sha cos you know this thing lives everywhere. Based on Google and peeps we decided to go to Elegushi Beach! Mchewwwwww, the most rubbish beach any human being can want to go to as in hiannnnn why on earth does this beach exists and why does anyone go there in the first place!!

First, we arrive towards the entrance of the beach area and find there's traffic going through a make shift gate. There's a charge of N1000 per adult; say what now? What is the N1000 for biko? Who are these people collecting these monies? There is no sign they belong to any reputable government agency. No sign boards, no uniforms, no nothing so please again i ask who put them there or authorized their presence? So we pay our gate fee and we proceed, and within seconds our car is bombarded with awon agberos trying to direct us to park where they want us to park. We park, alight from our vehicle and are immediately accousted by men on horses asking if we want to ride a horse. In my head i'm like biko can we find somewhere to sit first beforenwe climb this horse that looks like it wouldnt mind eating some correct eba with okro soup-that's how hungry the thing looked. We side stepped oga horse handler whose name is Emmanuel with vest number 16. He repeated hinself again and again as he followed us to our seating area: please don't forget i'm Emmanuel number 16. Again acousted by awon hustlers trying to hustle us to come rent their shack to sit in.

My goodness, i've never been to a dirtier beach!! It STANK!!!! It was a combination of dirty horses, dirty smelly people, horse feaces, general dirt etc. i started practicing the breathing technique my swimming coach tried to teach me last summer but i was like ahhh please please, you want to kill me?? How can i be breathing any other way but the normal way just cos i'm going under water? Please waka abeg. Lovies, no one begged me before i started holding my breath in broad day light in the open. It was almost like if i inhaled all that bad air i was going to start puking. Ewww....gross!!
Besides the stench, the calibre of people we saw was one kind for real, for real. Not the type i would be comfortable leaving my bag around, sit with, or be in a room with and suddenly NEPA takes light, it will be one of those moments where you say haa mogbe... Yepa....; yup it was that bad.

I was thoroughly uncomfortable and wanted to leave asap. Before you say but you could have moved to another part of the beach now, please the whole beach area that looked like it could be occupied was barely up to 2 city blocks- yes, it was that small and scanning the area it looked like the same people, same flies, same horse shit everywhere.
As I was wondering how to get the rest of the group to want to leave, rain started! How on earth can it rain when person dey beach?? What kinda thing is that now? Na wa oo. So the rain just dampened the mood even further.....sheesh. Awon mood killer sha. Then to make matters worse, the lady whose shack we had settled in (btw, the white plastic chairs we were given to sit on had dried up mold dew on it!!!!!) now came to bounce us oo that we should move to an even less desireable place in another section of her shack. Choiiii....that was the end of that trip. My sister's friend first of all told us not to hold her back as she does craze for this people when she only gives them half of the agreed upon price. I took 2 steps back and was like CORRECTTTTTT, proper drama at last. Let me just make sure i'm not close if things start flying.
Mi ole wa daran tori mo lo bar beash......
The drive to and fro from the beach was wayyyyyyyyyy better than our experience at the beach so the day was not a totally mishap. I totally enjoyed everyone's company, and really that's all that matters.
Bottom line, stay AWAY from Elegushi Beach. I've heard there are some correct beaches in lagos that are accessible by boat. Boat kwa??? Why now? Why can't it be accessible normally by normal people? SMH....
Still more. Naija jist coming up sooooooon.

Xoxoxo
Love is a beautiful thing.

Bush People @ 10,000 feet above.

11:05 AM 3 Comments A+ a-

Lovedeyshackme.blogspot.com

Hello Lovies,

Happy Holidays!! Tis the season to be jolly and jolly i am! I'm typing this 10,000 feet above on an Emirates Airplane and i'm enroute to Las Gidi! I am super excited about this trip because its a family affair. Although we are on different airlines and some arrive a day after a few of us, the point is we will all spend christmas together like we used to as kids but this time around we have our own kids to bring along. I feel so bad for my dad's house with all these screaming grandkids but i bet he wont mind one bit! Even if he does.....well too late now.

See, I travel a few times a year and i get to meet and observe people from different walks of life. I'm not a break the ice-start a conversation kind of person so i don't generally speak to people but my eyes do the seeing, my mind the conjuring and my head finalizes the details about each person. I was about to embark on a full flight to Las Gidi with 99% naijas on board so i knew my aro meta (my trio) eyes, mind, head would be working overtime.

I got to Dubai and was looking for the gate my connecting flight would be on when i spotted this man walking ahead of me. He was dressed in jean on jean ensemble which both top and bottom were 1.5 sizes too small so his pot belly was struggling to breath under his shirt while his buttocks was trying hard to refrain from passing gas because there was no guarantee those pants would not reap if he did mess. He had 1 phone jammed at his ear and was barking into it while he had an additional 3 (IPhone, Samsung, Blackberry) clasped in his palms and was raedi-ing (shaking his yansh) as he walked on. I just said to myself "Sav, ahh there goes your airport map, this man is naija and has to be on your flight so just follow him, he'll lead you to your gate"


There's more i want to say about potruding belly but my bible says judge not so let me just waka pass.
Finally we boarded and then the fun began. But come first ehn, why are you Naija people like this for goodness sake??? The only times i've ever witnessed a fight both verbal and darn near physical is on board a Naija bound flight! This has happened too many times for comfort. We are the most impatient, aggressive, quick to make wrong assumptions group of people. Everyone trying to outrank the other person over the most minute things, talking about do you know who I am, is it because I'm in economy with you people? In my head i'm like Ni***a please, your behind is in economy, you aint nobody abeg. Take several seats & be quiet.
I had boarded right after first class passengers cos of family priviledges so i was able to see everyone come in and there was some level of decorum until i heard thuds and sharp yelling and of course i turned around to see where war was breaking out on this plane. Turns out a 6'2 man removed the hand luggage of a 5' woman to accomodate his large carry on and then decided to mash/squeeze/ handle roughly the woman's stuff back in the compartment. Mehnnnnnn this thing was not funny cos the woman went off on him. First of all her hand could barely reach the luggage compartment so she couldn't really remove the guy's carryon in vengeance but ohh she sure went to town with her mouth on him. This lady was like so because you think you are a man you can do anything you want right? Today is the last day you will disrespect a woman. I will teach you a lesson.... My friend will you remove your stinking hands from my carryon.... Owo idoti jatijati, agbero osan gangan (rubbish dirty hands, afternoon bus conductor).....i willl SLAP youuuuuuu.....ahhh boy yi o mo nothing (the woman was already shifting her feet like Ali in a boxing ring). This guy too decided who would keep his sunglasses on in the plane so the woman was like you and your $1 sunglasses, remove it and lets see your ugly face, you no home training boy".............
The guy wasn't expecting the tongue lashing from the woman and by the time he had a comeback the woman had won the first 4 rounds and everyone was laughing. The only thing he could say was "madam mind yourself oo" and the woman was like ahhhh omo una, no wonder... Boya oti gbe cocaine si ikun (ohh Ibo boy, maybe he has cocaine swallowed in his belly". More laughter..... And thank God for one of the hostesses who came to calm things down. Phewww...
And then across the aisle wad another quanter, this time 2 men facing off. At this point the whole plane sounded like Idumota just before the christmas holidays. I was thoroughly mortified at how your people were making a fool of themselves. Why can't we conduct ourselves like civilized people? Why must we make a scene everywhere we go? And then we wonder why westerners treat some of us the way they do? If you can't treat yourselves with respect why should anyone else do so? If we act like we can't conduct ourselves civilly why should we assume someone else knows that we know how to?
This very second as i type this out, there's a yoruba man 4 rows behind me who has been nothing but a nuisance since this flight took off 3.5 hours ago. I swear he must think he's in a beer parlor, the pitch of his voice, the contents of his rants - from APC to PDP, to football, we've all heard his views. Now, this man just shouted ITF at the top of his voice, trying to get the attention of a man who stood up 10 rows ahead of him (yes, i counted). ITF just turned towards the direction of the voice and waved, but drunken master was not having none of the that, his comeback was " Omoale ni boboyi oo maabo joor). Now may i mention that ITF looks to be in his 60's but drunken master looks like 50's to me.
That's it!!! I've had it with this bush man so I have written a note that says " Dear drunken master, we are all happy that you have finally decided to sleep thereby allowing  the rest of us enjoy our flight, Just a friendly reminder when you wake up that this is not a beer parlor. Thanks for your coopertion sir.
Signed,
Fellow passanger who would throw you out if she got a chance.

All i'm waiting for now is for him to fall asleep so i can put it somewhere on him to find when he wakes up. Double sided tape anyone?

Lollll.....
Have a wonderful holiday.
Xoxoxo.....
Love is a beautiful thing.

United Nations of Maga: Jos Girl & Philemon

11:52 PM 0 Comments A+ a-


Holiday is coming, holiday is coming, no more teachers cane, no more morning bells; good bye teachers, good bye scholars we are going on a jolly holiday, a jolly holiday. Lolll I know I must have butchered this song but then who remembers every rhyme from primary school days? I have gray hairs now abeg.

This is absolutely my favorite season of the year (minus the cold weather). For some reason I always expect it to be magical and it has never been except for them Christmas lights that be blinking pau-pau in my eyes sha. That’s the closest it’s ever been for me but I continue to be optimistic.

So for my loving faithful readers who have asked for a continuation of Jos girl and Philemon, Here we go:

My dear friend Golus (another nickname) was getting married and yours truly was expecting a baby; some how I ended up not having anything to wear and nothing I had that could accommodate my bump was stylish enough except for one white dress that I had. I wasn’t so sure it was appropriate to wear white to a wedding but this was a chiffon hi-low dress that didn’t “speak” wedding to me so I decided to take the risk and wear it. I accessorized with green shoes\purse\jewelry. My hair was looking good and yours truly was FLY! Until I got to the venue, parked my car and was trying to cross the street. That’s how one nonsense okada man drove past me shouting at the top of his concoction lungs “na you dey marry, why you wear white”. Chineke!!  Me I instantly did the “your fada” sign at him. Can you imagine! This boy had the audacity to rubbish me in public like that and couldn’t even do it quietly. Rubbish, nonsense & ingredient! Ewu goat! Mchewww.

Anyhoos, I was enjoying the beautiful wedding when My Jollof sent me a text
“Sav, guess who’s in my house?”
Me: Who? 
Jollof: JOS GIRLLLLLLLL.
I was like OMG, where has she been? Meanwhile the three of us were posted to teach in Port Harcourt o but Jos Girl & her hustle decided she needed to be in Abuja where it was “happening”. So I was surprised to hear she was in town, nonetheless I was excited because hanging out with Jollof & Jos Girl meant correct gisting.

I decided to stop by Jollof’s house in GRA so I could see Jos Girl.  We were all very excited to see each other and after all the ooing and ahhing over my bump and just showering my unborn child with loads of love, we sat down on Jollof’s bed.
Me being me, I jumped straight to the point. Jos Girl, how far now with Abuja now? Did you get a really good job or contract? Of course to me I think having a job or running a business is the way normal girls do things after college but Jos Girl looked at me like I was speaking Hindu. She was like abeg Sav when will you grow up and stop being so naïve ehn? Work is for small small girls in Abuja o, the big girls don’t work. They all have one maga or another to take care of them.

Now, those who know me well know my eyes can do a whole lot of talking that my mouth refuses to do. I was therefore speaking volumes with my eyes. I said to Jos Girl: but babes, you already have a Sugar Boy/man (what do you call a 30's married man?) now ehn, how many magas can one girl have? You already have one (Philemon) here in Port Harcourt and now you are talking about Abuja. If you are not careful you will become United Nations of Maga o.

Jos Girl: ahnn Philemon sha. Hissssssss, abeg Philemon is small fish. All those small small N20k change that he gives me is nothing. I need a man that will be able to pay all of my siblings tuition, help me get a place to live and also set me up in a business. The problem now is I can’t shake Philemon off me. He calls night & day crying that he misses me, he needs me, he will do anything, I should take him back. I’ve told him severally that this thing between us is over, and thank you to him for his help over the years but It’s so annoying because it’s getting worse. In fact, the other weekend ehn he showed up in Jos looking for me and my sister told him I was in Abuja. He came to Abuja to look for me but after searching for 3 days with no luck he returned to Port Harcourt.

At this point my mouth is open in awe of this never-ending drama. My mind automatically goes to her baba & the fried meat, so I had to ask if the fried meat has an expiration date.
Jos Girl looks at me solemnly and says : errm NO”. I was ahhhhhh Oluwa mi oo. Omo yi ti rogo (My God ooo, this girl is in trouble).
Jos girl, how can you use something that has no expiration? Didn’t you check with the baba when he gave it to you? So for how long will Philemon the love sick puppy continue to cry over you? Chei this thing is painful o. Very painful. Poor Philemon and double poor Philemon’s wife.  She probably had to start running from church to church, fasting & praying till she became bonga fish, all because her husband got maga-ed. Jisos…. We women can suffer sha.

That was the last time (6 years ago) I saw Jos Girl- I’ve actually been looking everywhere for her. Jollof has also not seen her since that weekend either, so I don’t know what eventually happened to Philemon, and if Jos Girl got a maga of her dreams. Abi now….

The hustle for a good life is REAL. All I can say is that men please be careful. All those glittering girls before you, juggling things and rolling waists, are NOT gold.
Do not get yourself inducted in the United Nations of Maga, bikonu.



Xoxoxo……….
Love is a beautiful thing.