Trying to get my beach on in Lasgidi

2:21 AM 3 Comments A+ a-

Hey Lovies,

Wassup, whats shaking, whats popping? How's the Christmas holiday going? I am in Nigeria....whoop whoop. Shuttling between Lasgidi and my home town - Ondo Town. It's been so much fun hanging out with family, seeing friends etc. Before i continue this story, please join me as i pray. This prayer is absolutely necessary because i have picked up my iPad at least 5 times during this trip to write down what I want to talk to you people about, but there are some very evil things like sleep, errands, television, enjoyment, asun, gist, etc that keep interrupting me and this thing is no longer funny. I need to sprinkle some anointing oil on myself, my iPad, my surroundings and decree HOLY GHOSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I BIND & PROSECUTE ALL INTEREFRING AGENTS AGAINST THE PROGRESS OF MY GIST IN JESUS NAME!! OGUN ORUN ooo..... DESTRYOY THEM! PARALYSE THEM (minus my iPad oooo abeg o.. Biko) In Jesus Name Amen. Now let me see who will stop the flow of this writing.

Wait oo, be right back, they have brought my banger and bisco......hehehehe.....time to throw banger into people's shirt/blouse.

Lollll okay i'm back again with all vigour.
So in Lagos my sister wanted us to go to the beach. We had not been for a very very long time in Lagos. The last time we did it was to the original Bar beach so apparently our Lagos Beach knowledge was a little outdated. Actually more like ancient sef. Since we were like Elizabethan era type people per the beach we decided to ask a few people who reside in Lagos, mostly Google sha cos you know this thing lives everywhere. Based on Google and peeps we decided to go to Elegushi Beach! Mchewwwwww, the most rubbish beach any human being can want to go to as in hiannnnn why on earth does this beach exists and why does anyone go there in the first place!!

First, we arrive towards the entrance of the beach area and find there's traffic going through a make shift gate. There's a charge of N1000 per adult; say what now? What is the N1000 for biko? Who are these people collecting these monies? There is no sign they belong to any reputable government agency. No sign boards, no uniforms, no nothing so please again i ask who put them there or authorized their presence? So we pay our gate fee and we proceed, and within seconds our car is bombarded with awon agberos trying to direct us to park where they want us to park. We park, alight from our vehicle and are immediately accousted by men on horses asking if we want to ride a horse. In my head i'm like biko can we find somewhere to sit first beforenwe climb this horse that looks like it wouldnt mind eating some correct eba with okro soup-that's how hungry the thing looked. We side stepped oga horse handler whose name is Emmanuel with vest number 16. He repeated hinself again and again as he followed us to our seating area: please don't forget i'm Emmanuel number 16. Again acousted by awon hustlers trying to hustle us to come rent their shack to sit in.

My goodness, i've never been to a dirtier beach!! It STANK!!!! It was a combination of dirty horses, dirty smelly people, horse feaces, general dirt etc. i started practicing the breathing technique my swimming coach tried to teach me last summer but i was like ahhh please please, you want to kill me?? How can i be breathing any other way but the normal way just cos i'm going under water? Please waka abeg. Lovies, no one begged me before i started holding my breath in broad day light in the open. It was almost like if i inhaled all that bad air i was going to start puking. Ewww....gross!!
Besides the stench, the calibre of people we saw was one kind for real, for real. Not the type i would be comfortable leaving my bag around, sit with, or be in a room with and suddenly NEPA takes light, it will be one of those moments where you say haa mogbe... Yepa....; yup it was that bad.

I was thoroughly uncomfortable and wanted to leave asap. Before you say but you could have moved to another part of the beach now, please the whole beach area that looked like it could be occupied was barely up to 2 city blocks- yes, it was that small and scanning the area it looked like the same people, same flies, same horse shit everywhere.
As I was wondering how to get the rest of the group to want to leave, rain started! How on earth can it rain when person dey beach?? What kinda thing is that now? Na wa oo. So the rain just dampened the mood even further.....sheesh. Awon mood killer sha. Then to make matters worse, the lady whose shack we had settled in (btw, the white plastic chairs we were given to sit on had dried up mold dew on it!!!!!) now came to bounce us oo that we should move to an even less desireable place in another section of her shack. Choiiii....that was the end of that trip. My sister's friend first of all told us not to hold her back as she does craze for this people when she only gives them half of the agreed upon price. I took 2 steps back and was like CORRECTTTTTT, proper drama at last. Let me just make sure i'm not close if things start flying.
Mi ole wa daran tori mo lo bar beash......
The drive to and fro from the beach was wayyyyyyyyyy better than our experience at the beach so the day was not a totally mishap. I totally enjoyed everyone's company, and really that's all that matters.
Bottom line, stay AWAY from Elegushi Beach. I've heard there are some correct beaches in lagos that are accessible by boat. Boat kwa??? Why now? Why can't it be accessible normally by normal people? SMH....
Still more. Naija jist coming up sooooooon.

Xoxoxo
Love is a beautiful thing.

Bush People @ 10,000 feet above.

11:05 AM 3 Comments A+ a-

Lovedeyshackme.blogspot.com

Hello Lovies,

Happy Holidays!! Tis the season to be jolly and jolly i am! I'm typing this 10,000 feet above on an Emirates Airplane and i'm enroute to Las Gidi! I am super excited about this trip because its a family affair. Although we are on different airlines and some arrive a day after a few of us, the point is we will all spend christmas together like we used to as kids but this time around we have our own kids to bring along. I feel so bad for my dad's house with all these screaming grandkids but i bet he wont mind one bit! Even if he does.....well too late now.

See, I travel a few times a year and i get to meet and observe people from different walks of life. I'm not a break the ice-start a conversation kind of person so i don't generally speak to people but my eyes do the seeing, my mind the conjuring and my head finalizes the details about each person. I was about to embark on a full flight to Las Gidi with 99% naijas on board so i knew my aro meta (my trio) eyes, mind, head would be working overtime.

I got to Dubai and was looking for the gate my connecting flight would be on when i spotted this man walking ahead of me. He was dressed in jean on jean ensemble which both top and bottom were 1.5 sizes too small so his pot belly was struggling to breath under his shirt while his buttocks was trying hard to refrain from passing gas because there was no guarantee those pants would not reap if he did mess. He had 1 phone jammed at his ear and was barking into it while he had an additional 3 (IPhone, Samsung, Blackberry) clasped in his palms and was raedi-ing (shaking his yansh) as he walked on. I just said to myself "Sav, ahh there goes your airport map, this man is naija and has to be on your flight so just follow him, he'll lead you to your gate"


There's more i want to say about potruding belly but my bible says judge not so let me just waka pass.
Finally we boarded and then the fun began. But come first ehn, why are you Naija people like this for goodness sake??? The only times i've ever witnessed a fight both verbal and darn near physical is on board a Naija bound flight! This has happened too many times for comfort. We are the most impatient, aggressive, quick to make wrong assumptions group of people. Everyone trying to outrank the other person over the most minute things, talking about do you know who I am, is it because I'm in economy with you people? In my head i'm like Ni***a please, your behind is in economy, you aint nobody abeg. Take several seats & be quiet.
I had boarded right after first class passengers cos of family priviledges so i was able to see everyone come in and there was some level of decorum until i heard thuds and sharp yelling and of course i turned around to see where war was breaking out on this plane. Turns out a 6'2 man removed the hand luggage of a 5' woman to accomodate his large carry on and then decided to mash/squeeze/ handle roughly the woman's stuff back in the compartment. Mehnnnnnn this thing was not funny cos the woman went off on him. First of all her hand could barely reach the luggage compartment so she couldn't really remove the guy's carryon in vengeance but ohh she sure went to town with her mouth on him. This lady was like so because you think you are a man you can do anything you want right? Today is the last day you will disrespect a woman. I will teach you a lesson.... My friend will you remove your stinking hands from my carryon.... Owo idoti jatijati, agbero osan gangan (rubbish dirty hands, afternoon bus conductor).....i willl SLAP youuuuuuu.....ahhh boy yi o mo nothing (the woman was already shifting her feet like Ali in a boxing ring). This guy too decided who would keep his sunglasses on in the plane so the woman was like you and your $1 sunglasses, remove it and lets see your ugly face, you no home training boy".............
The guy wasn't expecting the tongue lashing from the woman and by the time he had a comeback the woman had won the first 4 rounds and everyone was laughing. The only thing he could say was "madam mind yourself oo" and the woman was like ahhhh omo una, no wonder... Boya oti gbe cocaine si ikun (ohh Ibo boy, maybe he has cocaine swallowed in his belly". More laughter..... And thank God for one of the hostesses who came to calm things down. Phewww...
And then across the aisle wad another quanter, this time 2 men facing off. At this point the whole plane sounded like Idumota just before the christmas holidays. I was thoroughly mortified at how your people were making a fool of themselves. Why can't we conduct ourselves like civilized people? Why must we make a scene everywhere we go? And then we wonder why westerners treat some of us the way they do? If you can't treat yourselves with respect why should anyone else do so? If we act like we can't conduct ourselves civilly why should we assume someone else knows that we know how to?
This very second as i type this out, there's a yoruba man 4 rows behind me who has been nothing but a nuisance since this flight took off 3.5 hours ago. I swear he must think he's in a beer parlor, the pitch of his voice, the contents of his rants - from APC to PDP, to football, we've all heard his views. Now, this man just shouted ITF at the top of his voice, trying to get the attention of a man who stood up 10 rows ahead of him (yes, i counted). ITF just turned towards the direction of the voice and waved, but drunken master was not having none of the that, his comeback was " Omoale ni boboyi oo maabo joor). Now may i mention that ITF looks to be in his 60's but drunken master looks like 50's to me.
That's it!!! I've had it with this bush man so I have written a note that says " Dear drunken master, we are all happy that you have finally decided to sleep thereby allowing  the rest of us enjoy our flight, Just a friendly reminder when you wake up that this is not a beer parlor. Thanks for your coopertion sir.
Signed,
Fellow passanger who would throw you out if she got a chance.

All i'm waiting for now is for him to fall asleep so i can put it somewhere on him to find when he wakes up. Double sided tape anyone?

Lollll.....
Have a wonderful holiday.
Xoxoxo.....
Love is a beautiful thing.

United Nations of Maga: Jos Girl & Philemon

11:52 PM 0 Comments A+ a-


Holiday is coming, holiday is coming, no more teachers cane, no more morning bells; good bye teachers, good bye scholars we are going on a jolly holiday, a jolly holiday. Lolll I know I must have butchered this song but then who remembers every rhyme from primary school days? I have gray hairs now abeg.

This is absolutely my favorite season of the year (minus the cold weather). For some reason I always expect it to be magical and it has never been except for them Christmas lights that be blinking pau-pau in my eyes sha. That’s the closest it’s ever been for me but I continue to be optimistic.

So for my loving faithful readers who have asked for a continuation of Jos girl and Philemon, Here we go:

My dear friend Golus (another nickname) was getting married and yours truly was expecting a baby; some how I ended up not having anything to wear and nothing I had that could accommodate my bump was stylish enough except for one white dress that I had. I wasn’t so sure it was appropriate to wear white to a wedding but this was a chiffon hi-low dress that didn’t “speak” wedding to me so I decided to take the risk and wear it. I accessorized with green shoes\purse\jewelry. My hair was looking good and yours truly was FLY! Until I got to the venue, parked my car and was trying to cross the street. That’s how one nonsense okada man drove past me shouting at the top of his concoction lungs “na you dey marry, why you wear white”. Chineke!!  Me I instantly did the “your fada” sign at him. Can you imagine! This boy had the audacity to rubbish me in public like that and couldn’t even do it quietly. Rubbish, nonsense & ingredient! Ewu goat! Mchewww.

Anyhoos, I was enjoying the beautiful wedding when My Jollof sent me a text
“Sav, guess who’s in my house?”
Me: Who? 
Jollof: JOS GIRLLLLLLLL.
I was like OMG, where has she been? Meanwhile the three of us were posted to teach in Port Harcourt o but Jos Girl & her hustle decided she needed to be in Abuja where it was “happening”. So I was surprised to hear she was in town, nonetheless I was excited because hanging out with Jollof & Jos Girl meant correct gisting.

I decided to stop by Jollof’s house in GRA so I could see Jos Girl.  We were all very excited to see each other and after all the ooing and ahhing over my bump and just showering my unborn child with loads of love, we sat down on Jollof’s bed.
Me being me, I jumped straight to the point. Jos Girl, how far now with Abuja now? Did you get a really good job or contract? Of course to me I think having a job or running a business is the way normal girls do things after college but Jos Girl looked at me like I was speaking Hindu. She was like abeg Sav when will you grow up and stop being so naïve ehn? Work is for small small girls in Abuja o, the big girls don’t work. They all have one maga or another to take care of them.

Now, those who know me well know my eyes can do a whole lot of talking that my mouth refuses to do. I was therefore speaking volumes with my eyes. I said to Jos Girl: but babes, you already have a Sugar Boy/man (what do you call a 30's married man?) now ehn, how many magas can one girl have? You already have one (Philemon) here in Port Harcourt and now you are talking about Abuja. If you are not careful you will become United Nations of Maga o.

Jos Girl: ahnn Philemon sha. Hissssssss, abeg Philemon is small fish. All those small small N20k change that he gives me is nothing. I need a man that will be able to pay all of my siblings tuition, help me get a place to live and also set me up in a business. The problem now is I can’t shake Philemon off me. He calls night & day crying that he misses me, he needs me, he will do anything, I should take him back. I’ve told him severally that this thing between us is over, and thank you to him for his help over the years but It’s so annoying because it’s getting worse. In fact, the other weekend ehn he showed up in Jos looking for me and my sister told him I was in Abuja. He came to Abuja to look for me but after searching for 3 days with no luck he returned to Port Harcourt.

At this point my mouth is open in awe of this never-ending drama. My mind automatically goes to her baba & the fried meat, so I had to ask if the fried meat has an expiration date.
Jos Girl looks at me solemnly and says : errm NO”. I was ahhhhhh Oluwa mi oo. Omo yi ti rogo (My God ooo, this girl is in trouble).
Jos girl, how can you use something that has no expiration? Didn’t you check with the baba when he gave it to you? So for how long will Philemon the love sick puppy continue to cry over you? Chei this thing is painful o. Very painful. Poor Philemon and double poor Philemon’s wife.  She probably had to start running from church to church, fasting & praying till she became bonga fish, all because her husband got maga-ed. Jisos…. We women can suffer sha.

That was the last time (6 years ago) I saw Jos Girl- I’ve actually been looking everywhere for her. Jollof has also not seen her since that weekend either, so I don’t know what eventually happened to Philemon, and if Jos Girl got a maga of her dreams. Abi now….

The hustle for a good life is REAL. All I can say is that men please be careful. All those glittering girls before you, juggling things and rolling waists, are NOT gold.
Do not get yourself inducted in the United Nations of Maga, bikonu.



Xoxoxo……….
Love is a beautiful thing. 

The Struggle is real: Jos girl and her fried meat

2:51 AM 5 Comments A+ a-


Hey Lovies,

Happy Thanksgiving in arrears.  I hope those of you in the U.S had a splendid time with family and friends. Come to think of it, this whole “in arrears” mention as in Happy Birthday in arrears, Happy TG in arrears, all manner of arrears; I’ve noticed that my naijas use this more than your typical yankee person. Maybe it’s just my imagination though.
Thanksgiving was fun!! Just the way I like it. Small intimate, everyone can see each other’s face, hear each other’s conversations, huddled around, laughing, eating good food, people who genuinely love, care & respect each other. This is exactly my type of gathering. The older I’ve gotten, the more I shy away from huge & excessive gatherings. I’m very thankful for a great & fun evening.

My mum, visiting aunt & I went to great lengths cooking different dishes and everyone loved and most importantly ate very well. I actually wanted *Deolu (Deolu got introduced here) to come by because he's a bachelor & i don't like people being alone on days like this but the bush boy didn’t want to drive all the way out to my house (really??? Dude, we only live 45 minutes apart. All you have to do is get in your car and put it on cruise!!). Anyhoos, so the next morning he calls and asks about the night before, asking what was on the menu and I of course filled him in and rubbed it all in. In short sha “Dude, you missed mehn!” Deolu asks to come by so he could get some grub and I obliged, I mean what harm could there be in packing a plate to go for my friend. This guy shows up, I hand him the bag containing the packed grubs, and he turns around and says “Sav, I hope you didn’t put any voodoo into this food o”.

Chineke, Mo gbe! Emi Sav? Sav baby, Doro Sav, any other Sav is a counterfeit will put voodoo inside someone’s food? Abi ara boy yi o ya ni. I was like abeg abeg, give me my food back now now. Why would you even go there! He of course burst into laughter cos for some reason Deolu thinks I’m theatrical and hilarious and then says ahh Sav, I’m just playing nau. You know I’m a tall chocolate fountain & all dem girls be trying to tie me down so don’t blame me. I swear this boy is not well at all. Mchewww….oshisco.

Although I was hissing & rolling my eyes at the same time, his comment reminded me of a gist I just have to share with you guys.

Here we go.

A few years back 7-8 yrs ago I found myself in Nigeria for NYSC and was posted to one of those Niger Delta states. I decided to actually go through the whole 3 weeks camp process because 1) the person I was with at that time was just a evil human being who was intent on making sure my life was miserable so any attempt to avoid going to camp was a NO WAY, do you have 2 heads, you must go kinda situation, and 2) I remembered I had survived 6 years in boarding school where we were only given meat 1 time! Yup, you heard me – We only ate meat as in cow meat 1 time! All they gave us was fish, which was on rice days. Each table in the dinning room had about 15 students and the 15 had to share 4-5 pieces of fish. Mehnnn my enemies have suffered sha. BUT, I survived she so how bad could camp be?

Okay, so camp wasn’t so bad except for the part where there was no bathroom so I had to wake up around 4 am, go outside in the dark while reciting “hail mary” and I’m not even catholic, to take my bath and also refusing to do number 2 for 3 weeks - I never stepped into the toilet once. That’s right, I made sure I ate enough to stay alive but not enough to get my bowels moving.  I made friends right away with my bunkie and the chic in the bunk next to ours. The 3 of us bonded instantly and stayed glued to each other throughout.  My bunkie was a sweet girl who studied law and was from Jos; I had never had a friend from up north so it was quite nice.
One afternoon the 3 of us were sitting on my bed (bottom bunk) and gisting about men & relationships, while munching on fried meat that Jos girl gave us. The gist was going quite good and that meat was the shiznit, seasoned and fried dried to perfection. The kind that you will chew and chew and wouldn’t want to swallow cos it was that good. Apparently Jos girl got some cooking skills; i.e. until she told us the story behind the fried meat.

To cut a long story short, Jos babe was dating an Aristo (someone needs to define Aristo for me abeg, cos I don’t know if that name still applies if the man you’re with although married is a very young guy). The guy (*Philemon) in question was a young man whom she had met in Uni, but although he liked her then he went ahead to marry another girl from his town (tribal issues). The guy had being married for 2 years with a 1-year-old child at the time of NYSC. Jos girl tells us that she went to visit one baba that gave her something to put in fried meat for any man that she wants, and once the man eats the meat he’ll forever dance to her tunes.

See ehn, when she first made this statement it didn’t register in my head and that of the other babe whom I’ll call my jollof (there’s a story behind that name). It took like 20 seconds for the words “baba, powder and fried meat” to sink into our heads. For goodness sakes we were eating fried meat that this same Jos girl gave us!!
As soon as it sunk in Jollof & I jumped up and ran outside spitting, coughing, fingers down our throat to purge our selves of possible juju ridden fried meat. I swear this was so much dramatic than I could pen down. I just started crying and lamenting that ahhhh Savannah, Savannah, see your life, you survived boarding school without any mishaps only for someone to give you juju laden fried meat as a full fledged grown woman! Is this what they sent you to do at NYSC? How will you explain this to people? When they ask you “Savannah” what happened to you, your response will be “eran ni o (It’s fried meat oo)”, ahh, ahh, ahh temi bami, mo je eran daran!!
As I was spitting out and lamenting in a mix of Yoruba, Naija & yankee English, Jollof was lamenting in Ibo & yankee English as per fellow returnee concern. We were a sorry sight. Jos girl comes outside to join us and asks innocently what happened to us. I turned around and was like aje lo mo yi sha (this girl is a witch sha), how can she come out looking all innocent and asking what happened like she has no clue why we are afraid for our lives. We go back inside and ask her if the meat she gave us is laced with something from the baba; she bursts into laughter and was like ahn ahn,,, that’s why you people were vomiting? No now, there’s nothing in this meat. I only use the laced one it for Philemon.
Phewwwww, relief!!
Wait, what???
I know the struggle is real but dang this is real on another level! She actually was jazzing this poor stupid Philemon so she could collect money from him!
I have to dive into Jos girl & Philemon again cos trust me there’s more gist there especially when she moved to Abuja and realized Philemon was small fish compared to them billionaires in Abuja, but unfortunately the baba forgot to tell her the juju doesn’t wear out like that…….

To be continued.

Xoxo
Love is a beautiful thing. 

What's with the rape though?

3:47 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

Hey Lovies,

As much as I would love to dabble in love matters, I feel there are times when that can take the back seat to more imperative matters. This is one of such times so please bear with me.

There has been so much going on in the news lately about “Rape”. First there was Bill Cosby aka Uncle Bill like I like to call him even though it’s not like he’s my uncle’s wife’s brother’s sister-in-law’s brother-in-law’s wife’s uncle; and then there is this entity called Daniel Okereke who apparently is Stephanie Okereke’s brother, and is a serial rapist. I know, even my mouth dropped when I read the story of the girl who reported him, and also subsequent reports by other victims.
I’m not sure if it’s based on these two reports or there’s just something in the air but suddenly there’s a plethora of victims speaking up. I can’t even begin to imagine the horror these young ladies went through. I woke up this morning and as usual picked up my phone because of course my day starts of extra cheerfully when there’s a “lo sun” message or an emoji. I know, I know, kinda weird shay but you wouldn’t even understand what this is all about. LoL…… a girl knows how she feels.

Anyhoos back to the issue of rape. I picked up my phone and went through social media, and came across this story of a 19 year old Adeyemi College of Education student who got raped at FUTA. I read the long story over and over and I temporarily couldn’t even move. My mind went numb, my senses went numb, everything just went bleak, and it was way too freaking early for that to be happening. There were so many thoughts flying through my mind as I got ready for the day. I tried to picture the whole scenario starting from the first hello\meeting, to making the judgment call that involved this lady & other victims believing they could trust these men, to the realization that she was in deep trouble and after all the man she trusted a few hours ago was actually a monster who was about to tear her life to shreds. Worse still is knowing that we live in a world where rape is a major stigma, one in which seeking justice only brings reliving the nightmare, stigmatization, humiliation and blame.

Sighhh………..How could anyone even take a woman sexually against her will? Repeatedly too? Even to the point of being serial? What\Who do we blame for this? Our society with her “you must be quiet” expectations? Or mental illness on the part of the man? Or even worse “na devil do am”? Who do we blame? And then there’s the question of did the woman bring it on herself? Was she scantily dressed or was she teasing the man? Was she trying to do a quick runs move but unfortunately found herself biting more than she can chew? I don’t believe there’s any instance in which it’s okay for a man to rape a woman. How short can her dress be that you can’t keep your manhood in your pants? How sexy can she be that you can’t control yourself? Do rapists suddenly turn deaf, dumb, & blind to the cries and pleas?

How do we fix this? I bet we can probably never completely curb rape in our society but there has to be something we can so to reduce the frequency. There has to be a way to ensure there’s justice for all victims. There has to be away to divert the stigma from the victim to the perpetrator. There has to be a way around this. I think I just found another cause under my umbrella. I can relate a bit to these ladies but not in its entirety so I can’t even say I totally “get it”. Again I have so many questions that need answers. I would actually like to hear from men who have taken a woman forcefully. I want to hear your side of the story, if there is another side. This might be one of the few situations in life where there’s only one side. I still want to hear though.

To every woman who has been a victim of rape, my heart & my soul goes out to you. I don’t know how to console – I totally suck at it. If consolation was a WAEC exam my enemies (not me) would get an “F-“. That’s right, F-minus.  There are so many things we need to fix, we may not see the results anytime soon but we at least are no longer turning a blind eye & deaf ear to the ills of our society- especially to the weaker sex (some women can be Jackie Chan though), we are doing our best so that our children can have an easier life experience than we've had.

Xoxoxo

Love is a beautiful thing…  

Mother in law: Mother in love or Monster in law ?

3:31 PM 3 Comments A+ a-

So this is an old write-up of mine that gained a little popularity (tongue out) on Facebook. It took me a few minutes to write this after several days of reading (on blogs\FB groups) about the horrific experiences women are experiencing in their homes. To be honest I was angry & irritated when I wrote this because it hit home for me, & I think it reflects in the tone of my write up. Forgive me in advance & Enjoy. 



Mother in-Laws.

Evil mother in-law, Evil mother in-law, Evil mother in-law! Yes, you. I’m talking to you. Didn’t realize you are evil didn’t you. Well news flash, you ooze all the symptoms so you are one. Darn it!
You know what makes you evil? Haaaa a million and one reasons but let me state a few that I’ve gathered from the beautiful women you have decided to frustrate just because you have no idea how to be a mum to your son, how to be a mum to a girl who is not biologically yours, because all you know is how to be a bournvita and lace kind of mum. Yeah, you, I’m referring to your evil ways.

Yes, you raised your son and no one was there but you to give him a bath, feed him, wash his clothes, and direct him in his ways of life. Now that he’s a grown man, some beautiful Opelenge girl has decided to waltz into his life, to continue from where God has ordered you to STOP – (Remember Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31, Matthew 19:5). Yes, it was mentioned 3 times!! 3 different times in both the new and old testament, just in case you didn’t see Genesis, there was Ephesians, and in case you missed Ephesians, gbam it was there in Matthew. Everyone loves the book of Matthew. I’m sure you didn’t miss that part!

It was mentioned 3 times because dear mum, you really have to let go of your son. It’s bad enough that Opelenge has to deal with a man with zero sense of accountability, broke ass like that shattered bottle of Guinness Stout, heart as dark as the contents of that bottle, can’t boil water to save his own life, can’t keep his pants zipped up so he goes hunting every time like a hunting dog, doesn’t even know how to wipe his ass therefore he thinks the bath tub is where normal human beings clean their assess after taking a dump in the toilet. You nasty man!! Darn it!!

Can’t do his own laundry for anything, going around town looking all unkempt; el-stupido, even one eyed Joe knows how to clean his own clothes so what’s your excuse? You can’t see? Your eye or your hand ain’t working? The el-stupido you raised is so stingy, he can’t even buy you, his mother a birthday card – yeah, he took the card that Tanimola gave him in 1998 and crossed Tanimola’s name out and wrote “to mum” on it. He gave it to you in 2014, you smiled cheekily when you saw “to mum”, until you looked at the front of the card and saw “to my lover on your birthday”! Yeah, that’s your son alright. Instead of you to sit him down and educate him on why that kind of stunt is not even acceptable in World War II, you didn't. You kept your mouth quiet. Yes, like it’s not bad enough that we have to deal with all that, you now decide you will be Adolf Hitler + Fadeyi Oloro in your son’s home. Anyone want to remind this woman what happened to Hitler and where the hell is Fadeyi anyway? –Urghhh such ugly looking people too. Darn it!

So mother in-law, you decide you don’t like Opelenge because your son loves her or because he’s going to shower her with the money he can’t spend on you. You decide to visit an orisha to help you out, so they give you a blanket to give your son. You bring the blanket to his house and tell him he’s the only one allowed to cover himself up with it every night. He is not to share the blanket with his wife. Helloooo.. .anyone ever heard of using different blankets from their spouse? You evil woman! Darn it!! He starts using the blanket and wowzers, he doesn’t recognize his wife anymore. He wants to take on a second wife and the marriage is just 2 years old. You sit there in your house smiling contentedly…. Iwo iya fun rara eh.

So you decide you don’t like Opelenge, you now decide Opelenge must not breast feed your granddaughter. Reason please? Drum roll anyone – jim..jim..jim..ghen..ghen…. Your reason is that the child will bond more and love her mum more that she does your son who refuses to change a diaper or buy a bib. To buttress your point, you pour away her breast milk anytime she pumps, and feed the baby with baby food when Opelenge is not there. Can you see your life right now O wicked Mother in-law.

So your son decides he will become Muhammed Ali, and starts practicing on Opelenge. Opelenge runs to you thinking she has a 2nd mum in you but your response is “ehen… and so what. After all he didn’t break any of your bones. Isn’t Lagbaja a person who Mike Tyson-ed his wife Tamedo, and Tamedo is now wearing a POP cast on her arm. You better be happy he only Muhamm-ed you when he could have Mike-ed you. Ohh Mother In-law, can you see your evil ways now!

Ohhhh you can’t stand the love between your son and Opelenge so you decide to visit Orisha to give you one concoction or the other so the 2 love birds can’t have children. Your sit in your house watching them run from pillar to post, looking for the fruit of the womb, yet you sit there chewing chewing stick, eating Weetabix with water and pawpaw – who the hell eats cereal with water and pawpaw anyways???? You nasty woman! Normal people eat cereal in milk –Darn it!

So you’re still buying your son’s underwear for him, and he is in his 30’s. Ohhh brother, the things I've heard ooo and the things I've seen with my koro koro eyes. Yeah ma, you’re still buying his boxers for him 32 years later. What a darn shame. Opelenge comes into the picture having vowed before man and God to be the best wife to your son. She starts buying his underwear, and you take offence to it. After all you've been doing it for 30+ years. You know what, while you are at it, why not spoon feed him too so we know you’re the aces of mothers. Nonsense somebody gbogbo! 
That’s an indication right there that you all ain't normal at all.

But why though? Why do you have to be so embittered? Why do you have to wage war in your son’s home? Why must you be the reason behind problems, behind hatred, behind stagnation? What kind of joy do you get from being so evil? Why do you take joy and pride is tearing down another woman’s child, who also happens to be a woman? Have you forgotten what it feels like to be happy? Have you gotten so used to ills that the sound of laughter, the scent of happiness is a turn off for you? WHY? WHY? WHY?

To all the awesome mother in-laws out there, I raise my glass to you and say MAY GOD BLESS YOU. Your generations to come are indeed blessed, & girls like me will be glued to you, treat you better than your son & love you till eternity. 

To my female friends and me, the change starts with us: Be secure in your own self, you are beautiful, you are amazing, heck, you raised a boy and you deserve a crown and sash for that. We all know this knuckle head children can be a joyful pain. You don’t need to compete with Opelenge for your son’s affection. You've had it for years, and the truth is if you are amazing to Opelenge, you’ll end up getting double the affection from both of them. You don’t need your son’s money, heck you've done a fine job securing your future so there’s no need for you to jump into 3rd mainland bridge just because he bought a Louis Vuitton for Opelenge. Sheesh, you've been carrying LVs since they were still in diapers.
You've got your own husband or boyfriend or man friend to fuss over so get to fussing. If there’s no man in your life, that’s okay. Join a club or seat your behind down and watch African Magic – that ought to keep you busy watching Nollywood at its best. Whatever you choose to do, please do it as long as it means staying out of your grown son’s business (relationships, house, finances, and his boxers). Let’s make it a point to raise our sons to be fantastic, able bodied, praying, responsible, intelligent, educated, committed, generous, forgiving, kind, considerate, truthful, ambitious, Godly, and fatherly men; AND stay the heck away from his home!!!!!
Call yourself to order today. Don’t embarrass yourself 20-30 years from now. If Judas could disown Jesus, trust me, I would disown you for displaying evilistic mother in-law behavior.


Xoxox
.Love is a beautiful thing....

Your husband has been molesting a child

12:58 PM 6 Comments A+ a-


Kate: Ohhh God…uncle, uncle, leave me oo. Uncle Ifeanyi leave me o. I don’t like all this. Please leave me alone. I’m just 13 years old. Aunty will kill me if she finds out.

Ifeanyi: But I love you Kate. I must have you. I won’t do much. I just want to touch you a little. Let me just kiss you a little…just a little. I promise I won’t touch anywhere.

Kate: Sobbing……Uncle Ifeanyi please….I beg you in the name of God please don’t do this. Please sir.

Ifeanyi: What are you afraid of ehn? Your aunty won’t find out. It’s just a little kiss. Don’t you watch it in the movies? Stop pretending. I’m sure those small small boys in your class have kissed you before.

Kate: Still sobbing….ahhh Uncle, I’ve never kissed anyone before.

She runs to the back of the couch & Ifeanyi runs after her. She runs again, putting some distance between them.

Ifeanyi: My friend come here, where are you running to? Do you want me to beat you? Come here right now. If you don’t do what I ask of you I’ll stop paying your school fees and I’ll make life a living hell for you. Come right here.

Kate: Sobbing ups an ante. She gets on her knees and starts begging again. Uncle please don’t stop paying my school fees. You know my parents are poor. Please sir…please.

Ifeanyi: Then if you don’t want to find yourself back in the village you better be a good girl and meet me in the bedroom right now. Otherwise I will also make sure my wife stops sending money to your parents. You are very ungrateful. Do you know how many girls would like to live in our house? Instead of you to show me some appreciation you are crying there.

He walks away to the bedroom

Kate: Shivering…sobbing…hands on her head. God….God….please help me. How can I sleep with my cousin’s husband? I’m just 13 yrs old. I’m a virgin. How will I explain this to my parents? What will I do if he stops paying my school fees? What about my parents in the village.

Ifeanyi: Shouts from the room “Kate..Kate…where are you”.

Kate: Walks towards the bedroom still sobbing and shivering…

Fast forward 6 months….

Jessica (Ifeanyi’s wife\Kate’s cousin) is for some reason feeling uneasy haven noticed some looks passed between Kate & Ifeanyi, & Kate becoming saucy these days. She decides to get to the bottom of it by buttering Kate up with some big sister talk.

Jessica: Kate, my dear come and sit down. Now that you are blossoming into a woman I want to talk to you about a few things. So Jessica goes on and on about boys, sex & chastity. Then she hits the nail on the head. Kate, has any man touched you, you know maybe kissed you or fondled your breasts? Maybe those boys in your class?

Kate: Vigorously shakes her head and muffles “NO aunty”.

Jessica: Ehn ehn… that’s good. Good girl. What about in this house? Has uncle Ifeanyi tried to show you some love by you know…kissing you?

Kate: Looks uncomfortably at Jessica & shakes her head unconvincingly.

Jessica: ohh really okay. You know you can tell me anything. I won’t beat you and I won’t tell anyone. I’m your sister and I should be your confidant. If anyone is hurting you including my husband Ifeanyi, I promise to protect you. Please tell me the truth. I can see you are hiding something from me.

Kate: Eyes welled up with tears she can’t hold back any longer, gets on her knees and buries her head in Jessica’s laps, sobbing uncontrollably.

Jessica: It’s okay my darling. What did my husband do to you?

Kate then proceeds to tell Jessica everything that has transpired in the last 6 months. Not only has Ifeanyi kissed and fondled her, he has also taken her virginity.

Dear readers,
The scenario above although fictional is happening everyday around us. Young ladies left in the care of family members are being sexually abused by men in the house- specifically husbands to their cousins, sisters, aunty; and in so many cases the head of the house molests the domestic maid.

I belong to a couple of groups on Facebook & it has now become a weekly thing whereby there’s someone who poses very similar questions to the group like: I just found out my husband has been sleeping with my maid or my husband has been sleeping with my teenage family member, what do I do? Should I report him to family members? Should I send the victim away & keep my mouth shut so as to protect my husband and marriage?” How do I explain to family members who do not understand why I am returning the girl?

What baffles me here is that none of these ladies ask how they can help the victim. How can she be repatriated? Can she even be? Do people not understand the effects sexual molestation have on young ladies or do we just don’t care because they are not our children? Is protecting your husband\marriage more important than a child’s life? Have you considered your own female child could be molested by their own father? How does one keep loving a man like that? How can you bring yourself to have sexual relations with him haven found out he's a child molester? How does one continue to respect a man like that? Does for better, for worse still count here? Have you thought? Have you thought? Have you thought?


Dear readers, if you found yourself (God Forbid) in Jessica’s shoes what would you do?

Xoxo...Love is a beautiful thing.

Wait....married women too?

7:24 PM 6 Comments A+ a-


Hallos lovies, my sincere apologies for slacking off, as in major major slacking off. I really don’t have an excuse really. I always come across juicy, mouth open gist, some are even down right ratched sef and I’ve been keeping them to bestos and myself. Selfish much aint it? Make una no vex abeg. I’ll try to keep getting better at bringing some funny yarns but until then please keep me in your prayers. LOL…

So last night I was talking to my friend *Deolu (name changed for privacy reasons) and we ended up talking for about 2.5 hours. I know right!! A whole 2.5hrs yarning on the phone!! Lol… my friends know there’s never a boring moment with me except I’m really shy, like I’m around someone I have a major crush on……cough…cough… e.g Mr.Q. loll okay let me stop.
Deolu and I are old friends. Actually an old toaster who was introduced to me by one of my many non-biological aunties when we were having our “iwo omo yi, lo marry now ahn ahn… mo fe plan wedding o.” Translation “you this girl, go an marry now ahn..ahn..I want to plan a wedding”. So aunty *Mopelola had tried to match make Deolu and I, & as usual once I saw a red flag the first couple of dates I ran 440 and friend zoned him sharp sharp.

Deolu and I haven’t spoken in months (that’s another story entirely…. my lips almost got raped & I had to slap some sense into him so he could regain his sanity cos obviously he must have lost it- for him to think he can plant one on me without my permission or approval. Deolu shay you were smoking weed that day abi??? Mchewwww…nonsense. Anyhow, he has since apologized & promised not to step out of line till he’s 90 years old. I don’t trust that boy sef so I’ ain’t gonna be hanging with him alone. My lips are very precious to me thank you! Just ‘cos they are all pink & orishirishi don’t mean they are available just anyhow. Nonsense again.

Okay, back to the story, so Deolu & I were catching up, he’s been calling since my birthday to catch up (wait ooo, I’m beginning to think this boy is up to something sef. Why is he calling this much? Got to think about that one); that’s how we got talking about dating & marriage and what not. Deolu has always acted like committed relationships & marriage are like leprosy. He’s very anti-commitment. Somewhere along the gist he said “Savannah, there’s a reason I’m the happiest among all my friends (May I interject that Deolu & his clique of friends are very successful (career & business) men so I was a bit surprised to hear that this group of men not so happy. I asked why and he said because they are all married. Mcheww, this boy has come again with his anti-marriage wahala. He couldn’t delve into the plethora of marital issues the boys were having but he said that his advice to all of them is “you should have remained single & just screw around like I do”. I was like ahh Deolu ooo but why would you give anyone such an advice? He says because it’s true. This guy now goes on to tell me he has messed around with single girls, engaged girls, married girls & pregnant girls (No, not pregnant for him). At this point I had nearly fainted on my comfy couch. Cheii..mogbe…boy yi o ni pa mi o. Say what now?? Pregnant women? Married women too? He said ahn ahn…. He has been chased by dogs and husbands…Lmaoooo…I can’t stop laughing every time I remember this. Omg!

I had to ask why the married women though and the pregnant women too? In all fairness he said none of the pregnant ones were naija (Sigh of relief…there is still hope for my country). He said the married ones were bored with their husbands and the whole marriage thing.  I also had to chide him for letting married women get into his pool of potential trysts but he was like “Savannah, I promise you every single one of these girls came after me on their own and they border line stalked him & since “NO” is not in his dictionary when it comes to the nitty gritty….”. Gone are those days when married women just folded their arms and sulked while their husbands have a spree of girls outside.

By now you know I’m sitting up and enjoying this conversation. I’m like ehen…oya continue. Deolu goes on to say he’s friends with all of these girls and they don’t want to leave the security blanket of their marriage but they get off some kind of high knowing they can play games behind their husband & he doesn’t suspect a thing, yet he thinks he’s the only one having a ball with all dem girls outside. Just the thrill of spending more time in the toilet texting him, meeting up at his house for an afternoon rendezvous in the sheets, and even sneaking off to a car when they meet at a party is enough to get the girls hooked. So now that he has been there done that with the married ones he’s even more convinced that there is no more sanctity in marriage & he wants no part of it.

He definitely said more but the little about married women got me thinking quite a bit because I have come across a situation where a babe married her husband a virgin but she has had many more partners after she got married because her husband was not exciting.

So my thoughts are thus: Is there anything that can be done to prevent a married woman from having a boyfriend or a lover? (I know we are now all about what’s good for the goose is good for the gander) but a part of me still finds it’s unnatural & unsettling to deem it okay.

Is it a woman’s responsibility to shake things up between the sheets & in her marriage in general, and what role should a man play in all this? Honestly, if you are a 3 pumps & I’m done – so my wife should be done too kind of man, I can’t blame your wife if she has a lover. What’s wrong with you sef? 3 humps & that’s it???

Loll… Have a fun weekend y’all

 **** Names changed for privacy




Love is a beautiful thing………………………………