Team Snoop Where Are You?
Hey Lovies,
Wassssup? Noring much going on here except that its hella’va
cold! As in there is no deep freezer in the world that has anything on this
cold. Nonetheless, the hustle continues so we've got to keep moving.
Today, we are talking about snooping on the BAE. And in case
you don’t know what BAE means: Before Anyone Else. You’re welcome. Hehehehhee. See
how productive we are on this blog ehn
If you have a spouse, chances are that at some point during
your relationship you may have suspected BAE was up to something – probably because
of some questionable behavior like suddenly being secretive, locking phones,
whispering during phone calls, taking calls in the bathroom, sleeping with the
phone under the pillow, behaving weird after you both run into another girl,
spending more and more time at the office, “with the boys”, reading\sending
messages with the phone nearly touching their eyeballs, etc. Yeah, if your man
or woman has been doing any of this, you probably have been inclined to find
out why – in other words, Snoop.
I’m not really a fan of snooping honestly but there are some
times when snooping just comes and meet you where you were minding your
business jejely. I generally feel what I don’t know won’t kill me –even though
that sounds ridiculous even to my own ears. I just don’t want wahala abeg. I
don’t have the energy to argue, fight, put on my googles and be James Bonding
behind anybody. I just would rather not. I know myself very well. If I start
from clue number one I will follow it to the very end and it will end with my
heart in pieces. Therefore I stay away from snooping.
My pastor on the other hand disagrees. A couple of Sundays ago,
my pastor was preaching and then as he does sometimes he digressed into relationship
matters. He mentioned how some women go after a man knowing fully well the man
is married, and the wife at home will be there crying. “Crying for WHAT?? You
better pray to God to break that other woman’s leg. Or you don’t know God can
do it?” He had in an earlier service mentioned that you should ask God to take
the other woman’s job\income away but he quickly recanted because a jobless woman
is really the devil’s workshop. She would now really have time for your husband
so its better God breaks her leg instead. I don’t know of many, if any one
legged mistresses.
I remember a relationship I was in some years ago – one that
I really didn't even want to be in but sort of got cornered into it and I was a
lot sweeter back then (you people have turned me into something else as I've
grown older). Anyways, I traveled for a couple of weeks and during that period
the guy was being incommunicado. Person that would call me every hour
practically and would barely let me out of his sight was suddenly hard to
reach. Oh boy, abeg phones work nau.
Anyhoos I returned home and decided to pay
him a visit while he was at work. I was in the bedroom eating my agbalumo
jejely when the bowl in front of me tipped over and my agbalumo rolled over and
then under the bed. I followed it right under the bed and …………….I saw what my
eyes were not meant to see. This is a classic example of snoop came looking for
me. I saw a woman’s panties under the bed and it was clearly not mine. Not just
the panties but something that I do not use was attached to it! Awon oni ranu
meji. So gross!! I went to the kitchen, got a broom and swept it onto a packer
and waited for guy to return. In the mean time I went through the caller id on
the home phone and I saw a number that had been calling at the same time
unfailingly for the past 2 weeks (While I was on vacation). I was like ehn..ehn.
This guy returned, ate some food and was gisting like
normal. I just brought out the underwear and asked him who it belonged to. He
first off said it was mine and I was like “The hell it is………NOT”. Not what I would
wear, my behind is not even up to half of it and that nasty thing sticking on
it is not what I use either so where did it come from? Dude starts stuttering
like he does when he’s lying. SMH.
While he was stuttering, I quietly took his phone and went
to the bathroom. I had locked the door before he even knew the phone was gone.
I sat down and went through it to my heart’s content. This was my very first
time ever having to go through a guy’s phone, but I just had to know. Something
was amiss & I would go crazy if I didn't know. Especially since I didn't
even want to be in this relationship in the first place.
This was in the era of flip Motorola phones so I flipped it
open and I started reading the text messages. Ohhhh sheeeeeeeeeet!! This guy
was sex-ting some girl!!! And the girl was a fellow student in his class whom
he had told me about, & was in his study group. I didn't think anything of
it then because I didn't see anything wrong with people of the opposite sex
being friends\study partners. He had apparently brought her to his apartment
while I was away, and judging by the pictures she had sent him, that panty
definitely belonged to her xxl behind.
Goodness Gracious! I’m even exhausted remembering this
story. Anyhoos that was the end of that relationship. Not because I couldn't
let bygone be bygone, but because it was a perfect excuse for me to exit a
relationship I didn't like & didn't want in the first place.
I heard so many stories from girls talking about how they
snoop through their BAE’s phone while he’s asleep. Yes, dear men, your women
look through your phone while you are asleep. The only way you can escape it is
if you have it tied to your something while sleeping or we haven’t yet figured
out your lock code – but trust me, we are working on it. Especially you men that
your eyes be bulging like opolo’s own when you see a fine or well-endowed girl
walking by. You have no self-control
kobo!
I haven’t done the snooping thing again since then – well technically
it was the snoop that came to meet me where I was minding my own business. Just
like another time when one guy was asking me out. This guy was stalking me
night and day, acting like he was gonna die there if he didn't marry me. This
foolishness of a human being introduced me to his aunt and uncle visiting from
Nigeria o, the uncle even brought me this very lovely fabric to give “iyawo wa”.
In fact, now that I think about it, may the witches in your father’s village
find all of you together for trying to pull one on me. But you ain't getting
your fabric back sha cos I sowed correct style with it! Heheheheheheh.
Anyhoos, this guy brought his laptop to me to fix one day saying
it had been overcome by viruses and he wanted me to help him clean it since I
do techie work. So I decided to help clean it up. I succeeded in getting the
laptop back to normal but in the process, I found a folder that was password
protected. Hummm, well, well, all my years of watching CSI, CSI Miami (Go
Horatio), NCIS, Castle, Law & Order had taught me that something was fishy.
He claimed he lived alone which means he’s the only one who would have access
to the laptop so who was he hiding the contents of the folder from?
Savanah cracked her knuckles and went to work. I unlocked the
folder on my 3rd attempt (hehehehhe…yes, I’m baddd), and ohhhhhhhh
sheeeeeeeeeeeet again!! The folder was full of pictures of this guy, his wife,
and their kid!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn't even bother confronting him
about it. I just left the folder open on the desktop so he would know I saw it.
I then blocked his number & email address. I can’t deal abeg…………………………………………….
He called me 2+ years later from another line and said he
was planning on divorcing his wife at that time after he found a way to return
all her money (her inheritance) he stole from her without her knowledge.
You see why I referred to him as foolishness of a human
being?
Thank God I had not said “yes” to dating him. I would have
castrated him and sent his penis to a museum somewhere.
There is a museum for ……..cough……….cough, right?
I still don’t believe in snooping, and really there should
be no need for it if neither party is trifling. There is nothing saner than
being in a healthy relationship with healthy people who do not cheat on or lie
to you. Nonetheless, I don’t blame those ladies who maintain a weekly\daily
sweep of their BAE’s phones, emails, & social media account. More grease to
your elbows if this is what you do.
Hypertension is more real in some lives than others biko.
Xoxox………..
Love is a beautiful thing.
5 comments
Write commentslol.. this girl! how do you meet all these crazy men?
ReplyOh my! I am so Team Snoop. The girls here in Lagos are vultures and vultures don't play when they see red meat a.k.a a loaded man! I look through my hubby's phone when i feel like it in his presence too. He usually laughs about it sha. I have been able to murder some of these vultures in the making. Ladies, snoop ooooo
ReplyNice one!! I won't snoop either. If I'm with a man i have to snoop around, i'm probably in the wrong relationship then. I don't have time for myself alone how much more "james bonding behind anyone".
ReplyI think before you snoop, you need to have a plan. When you snoop, you're looking for something, so, what do you do if you find what you're looking for? It's useless to snoop, find what you're looking for and do nothing. You only break your own heart, and you just gave the guy the license to do more of it.
ReplyLol... i def agree at having a plan. I've never really looked at it from that angle. Anyone "looking" is bound to find something at some point, so what's the next step?
Reply